Boys and Their Scents: 5 Good/Bad Smells

You know, we girls have got to cut down on the perfume. If I can smell you from a 5 foot radius, that is not a good thing. You are not an air freshener. Spraying "Sweet Pea" all over yourself doesn't make you any more attractive to anyone. Trust me. In fact to me, you are now irritating one more of my senses, smell.
But the issue I'm dealing with is not ours, but guy's smells. Boys, please. Think of the people around you. Deodorant is your frenemy. You need it to survive in the world. Put too much on, and people are not going go near you. I will make the exception if you look like this man.

Obviously.

Here are the general smells of high school guys along with my personal thoughts on them.

1) Basic B.O.

Ew......

Body odor. If you have serious B.O. problems, I suggest a visit to your doctor. The only time this is okay is if you have just hardcore exercised. In the next thirty minutes you should shower or else I and most girls will probably not come near your stinking body. The only message you are sending me is that you have poor hygiene. You know who else usually has poor hygiene? Hobos.
2) Soap

The Douche of Douches

Boys, just buy normal clean smelling soap and leave it good. It's what a normal person should smell like and I really hope you are using it. 

3) Axe Douche Spray or Old Spice 

Ah, the scent of dick moves and herpes. Yeah. No, Gross. The natural reek of douche-bags across the country, Axe has spread across continents empowering assholes to all smell the same. If you apply it in large amounts, it is especially horrible for the girl who sits next to you in class. It has direct connections to fake tans and hair gel and all the douchosity in between.  No girl will ever follow you because you spray "Dark Temptation" all over yourself. I'd be tempted to slap you.
Old Spice is less notorious and probably most famous for it's "The Man Your Man Could Smell Like" commercial of a guy, shirtless, talking about men, and riding horses. A little iffy and vintage, but not the mark of douche that Axe is.
4) Laundry Detergent

Yum.

I actually really like this smell. It doesn't reek of masculinity since girls indeed also smell like this. It smells warm and cozy and if the sensitive type is the way you want to go, then by all means do it. You will be like a teddy bear. A washed clean teddy bear. Which is better than a douche.

5) Abercrombie/Hollister

FIERCE-The mating call for gay men/preppy douches 

DRIFT- For the surfer/preppy who is drifting  to or is on the douche side.

Unless you look like the guy on the bottle to the right, don't wear it for multiple reasons. First off, I can't even shop in Hollister without getting a perfume headache. Second, why would you ever have a perfume with a guy's abs on it unless you were a) gay or b) a girl? Third. Fierce? FIERCE? That sounds... very homosexual.
Lastly remember these tips

• Remember, if not worn properly(especially cologne) basically you will just be a douche.
• Please do not wear most celebrity endorsed cologne either.
• "Cologne= forever alone" said by Mads
• Wear a moderate amount. As in I shouldn't be able to smell you when I talk to you.

5 Methods To Get A Guy To Go Away

My friend has this problem with getting boys to stop liking/talking/flirting/ with her. Most people would be like "what a lucky girl" but she attracts the weirdos and doesn't have the heart to nicely tell them to piss off. Me, on the other hand, I can get boys to go away with just my personality.
Anyway, she resorted to the last technique, taken from the JennaMarbles videos.

While it does indeed work, it makes people think that your mental capacity is lower than normal humans and that you're just a freak. So I've devised a couple new methods for driving those horny douche/weirdos away.

1) Come off as violent/paranoid.

Douchebags fit for trial.

There are two steps. A) buy pepper spray from your  local Wal-Mart. B) In conversation, bring up how you've been dying to mace something lately. If he thinks your joking, bring it out and randomly just aim it at him. Make him uncomfortable. He will leave.
If he is still there

• You now own mace, a good tool to use when you want something, are attacked by a rapist, or your boyfriend cheats on you.

2) Take him past the Friend Zone(as in the opposite direction of which he wants to go)

Menstrual Bitch Hormones=Not Sexy

Go beyond the Friend Zone, take him into the Girl Zone. Regard him as your "Sassy Gay Friend." Talk about PMS, hot boys, cramps and other things that make him uncomfortable. Remember that is key. Also check out other guy's asses.  No boy in his right mind will want this.
If he is still there

• He is probably gay, and you now have a "Sassy Gay Friend"

3) Talk like Mr. Moore

Literally exactly what he looks like.

My first period teacher, Mr. Moore, starts his sentences like a normal human being, but ends them by drawing out the last syllable of every sentence. Like thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhis. Perfect for times when you are tired, this method pisses off my entire first period and will if combined with previous techniques most likely work. Also if needed add spontaneous lisping/speech impediments. Spitting will help too.
If he is still there

• He is probably deaf and that increase your chances of evading him.

4) Tell him of your plans to join the nunnery

Ha. Puns. I get it.

No boy who wants to get laid will talk to a girl who wants to spend the rest of her life praying and not sleeping with him. Say things about your desire to be a part of the convent. Use quotes like "I am a temple and only God can enter." Tell him you are wearing a chastity belt and you lost the key. Also if he touches you, throw "holy water" at him and shout "May the power of Christ expel you." If all else fails, tell him tomorrow you are going on a mission trip to Subsaharan Africa, an area stricken with AIDS.

If he is still there

• You can always follow through and join a convent. Just kidding.
• You still have that mace. Use it if the time is right.

5) Use the "I have to go pee" Method and book it out of there.

I couldn't resist. He's so sexy.

Basically you haul ass to the bathroom, but just before entering, you make a run for it and leave him. Make sure you are wearing comfortable shoes. And someone is waiting to take you away. 

If he is still there

• If the dude still persists, now this is the right time for pepper spraying the psycho. Also get a restraining order/taser and make sure you lock your doors.

Hey, if none of these tactics worked, you can always resort to the Face.

Sexyness.

5 Men Who Deserve To Be (& 1 That Totally Doesn't) People's "Sexiest Man Alive"

What do Brad Pitt, Jude Law, and Matt Damon have in common? Besides being mega-attractive, they have been at one time "Sexiest Man Alive." Also if given a chance, I would marry all of them.
Furthermore, despite their periods of not being hot. (Damon's Informant Era, Pitt's Creepy Old Man Beard Era, and Law's Wow, I'm a Douche-Whore Era) they have the coveted title.

Fatt Damon, Old Man, and Man-Slut5

I still find them sexy. But what about the more deserving? Pitt has been named twice, and so has Johnny Depp who is kind of a psycho. But these 5 men are just better than naming George Clooney twice.(He is Old!). Here are the men who should have won.
1) Christian Bale (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Fighter)

Sexiest Batman ever, hands down, no competition. Seriously? He should have won back in 2008 when The Dark Knight came out. So he hits women, minor character flaw... ish. So he's actually said that he is a douche. It's called honesty and he owns it along with a 6-pack and Batmobile. And that face.
2) James Franco (Spiderman 1,2,3, Pineapple Express)

Okay, forget the Oscars and forget the fact that he looks baked in half his pictures.
Just soak it the hotness. Because this man is sexy. Why would Mary Jane choose skinny, dorky, Tobey Maguire who is basically now a skinny, dorky, spider-infused man with spiderwebs to fly, over rich, buff, hot, Harry Osborn who could just take her in his jet? The world will never know. Movie writers don't understand reality.
3) Mark Wahlberg (The Departed, The Other Guys, The Fighter)

Yeah, i guess 40 is pretty old, but Richard Gere, George Clooney, and Hugh Jackman have won. Since he's getting old, I think Marky Mark deserves the title before his six-pack flabs out and he becomes... not hot...
NOT SEXY- Nicolas Cage (National Treasure 1,2, Ghost Rider, Drive Angry)

Oh look up Nicolas Cage and you will find disgusting images. of his face. He has made the dumbest career moves ever, creeping in 60+ movies from G-Force to The Wickerman(Very bad movie) mostly on the account that he is broke. Which occured by him trusting people which when you are Nicolas Cage why would you trust the world? Most likely, they are angry at you for putting out a movie like Drive Angry. Yeah. Dumbass. He's worn leather, been photographed showing chest hair, and dyed his hair yellow, all of which made him a uber-douche. But also his acting, which is basically not acting, but being a Nicolas Cage. Which is being a weirdo.
His real name isn't even Nicolas Cage, it's Nicolas Kim Coppola. He changed it after his favorite comic book character, Luke Cage. Because thats cool.
Haha, Nic isn't really a smarty.

Back to the hotness
4) Orlando Bloom (Lord of the Rings 1,2,3, Pirates of the Caribbean 1,2,3, Troy)

Bloom (as specifically Legolas) proves that you can gayish and still super hot. Um I've seen LOTR like 4 times each which is probably a summative of 4 hours of seeing him ride horses with Gimli, realize that the hobbits, indeed are being taken to Isengard, and having a beyond friends relationship with Aragorn. Still, he is pretty sexy. And of course Will Turner who spends the entire series trying to grow a pair of balls and find out that dur he's a pirate, also proves this theory. Orly has hard proof evidence that he should be the "Sexiest Man Alive." Also he is a prime figure in gay elf porn. Ew.
5) Leonardo Dicaprio (Titanic, Blood Diamond, Inception)

Speechless. That picture is on a 23" by 40" poster in front of my bed for the last 2 years. I want to marry him. Oh. my god. he is SEXY.
Okay, this man is obviously the SEXIEST MAN alive. This isn't even a debate. It's like saying boys think with their dicks. It's a fact. There are virtually no bad pictures of him on google. Google him. You will understand.
Once again stupid movie writers. He can't be "Sexiest Man Alive" when he dies all the time. Death is not exactly hot. Ugh. No. When I watched Titanic, I did not want to see Rose live a happy life. I wanted to see Leonardo Dicaprio survive and take his shirt off again. When I watched Romeo & Juliet, I didn't want to see the starcrossed lovers die together. No I wanted to see Juliet drink poison, and watch Leonardo Dicaprio for a full another hour. In Blood Diamond did you want to see Leonardo Dicaprio die for the nice African man? No, I wanted to see him live and show us his six-pack. The Departed. He Dies. Shutter's Island. He Dies. Inception. He is either dead or in a freak dream. Yeah. Way to give the audience what it wants movie industry. You suck.
Anyway, despite the fact that he is unfairly killed off, I would like to nominate LEONARDO DICAPRIO as "Sexiest Man Alive" because he is.