5 Methods To Get A Guy To Go Away

My friend has this problem with getting boys to stop liking/talking/flirting/ with her. Most people would be like "what a lucky girl" but she attracts the weirdos and doesn't have the heart to nicely tell them to piss off. Me, on the other hand, I can get boys to go away with just my personality.
Anyway, she resorted to the last technique, taken from the JennaMarbles videos.

While it does indeed work, it makes people think that your mental capacity is lower than normal humans and that you're just a freak. So I've devised a couple new methods for driving those horny douche/weirdos away.

1) Come off as violent/paranoid.

Douchebags fit for trial.

There are two steps. A) buy pepper spray from your  local Wal-Mart. B) In conversation, bring up how you've been dying to mace something lately. If he thinks your joking, bring it out and randomly just aim it at him. Make him uncomfortable. He will leave.
If he is still there

• You now own mace, a good tool to use when you want something, are attacked by a rapist, or your boyfriend cheats on you.

2) Take him past the Friend Zone(as in the opposite direction of which he wants to go)

Menstrual Bitch Hormones=Not Sexy

Go beyond the Friend Zone, take him into the Girl Zone. Regard him as your "Sassy Gay Friend." Talk about PMS, hot boys, cramps and other things that make him uncomfortable. Remember that is key. Also check out other guy's asses.  No boy in his right mind will want this.
If he is still there

• He is probably gay, and you now have a "Sassy Gay Friend"

3) Talk like Mr. Moore

Literally exactly what he looks like.

My first period teacher, Mr. Moore, starts his sentences like a normal human being, but ends them by drawing out the last syllable of every sentence. Like thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhis. Perfect for times when you are tired, this method pisses off my entire first period and will if combined with previous techniques most likely work. Also if needed add spontaneous lisping/speech impediments. Spitting will help too.
If he is still there

• He is probably deaf and that increase your chances of evading him.

4) Tell him of your plans to join the nunnery

Ha. Puns. I get it.

No boy who wants to get laid will talk to a girl who wants to spend the rest of her life praying and not sleeping with him. Say things about your desire to be a part of the convent. Use quotes like "I am a temple and only God can enter." Tell him you are wearing a chastity belt and you lost the key. Also if he touches you, throw "holy water" at him and shout "May the power of Christ expel you." If all else fails, tell him tomorrow you are going on a mission trip to Subsaharan Africa, an area stricken with AIDS.

If he is still there

• You can always follow through and join a convent. Just kidding.
• You still have that mace. Use it if the time is right.

5) Use the "I have to go pee" Method and book it out of there.

I couldn't resist. He's so sexy.

Basically you haul ass to the bathroom, but just before entering, you make a run for it and leave him. Make sure you are wearing comfortable shoes. And someone is waiting to take you away. 

If he is still there

• If the dude still persists, now this is the right time for pepper spraying the psycho. Also get a restraining order/taser and make sure you lock your doors.

Hey, if none of these tactics worked, you can always resort to the Face.

Sexyness.